


Dear Diary

by AngelaCake



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Season 5 Spoilers, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 07:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1680212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelaCake/pseuds/AngelaCake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elena tries to deal with Damon's death and finds it surprisingly difficult. She turns to some... unconventional methods of coping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary,  
Something horrible happened. Is that really surprising? It seems like everything that's happened to me in the past three years has been horrible. A tragedy. Something I might never recover from. But this is different. I really don't think I will recover.  
I'm not sure I'll be able to get through this without crying. I've been crying for days. At least, that's what it feels like. I cry myself to sleep at night and I cry myself awake the next morning. I didn't even think that was something possible, but apparently it's all I can do. Because the person who supported me and comforted me and tried so hard and would do anything for me, is gone. Damon is dead.  
Not Vampire dead. Not maybe-Bonnie-can-find-a-spell-and-everything-will-be-okay dead, or lets-find-a-powerful-immortal-who-has-some-trick dead. Not even ghost-on-the-Other-Side dead. Just Dead. Him and Bonnie. Gone forever.  
It was supposed to be okay. Damon was supposed to come back with everyone else. He promised he would come back to me. He promised.  
Now he's gone. Liv and Luke stopped the spell and ran and Damon was trapped, and now I've lost him and Bonnie. Their souls were sucked into oblivion and I will never see either of them again. My oldest and best friend, more like a sister to me, and the love of my life.  
And he was the love of my life. I've never felt anything more strongly than how much I loved him. I hope he knew that. I hope he knew how much I depended on him. I need him. It's not just that he was there for me through everything that happened for the past two years, or that he was the one person I could count on no matter what, because no matter what was going on he would always pull himself together to be there for me. It was more than that. It was everything. It was his smile, his hair, his voice, his eyes, his hands. And now he's gone, it's all gone, and I am drowning in lack of Damon.  
I don't know if I'm making it worse by sleeping in his bed or wearing his shirts. All I know is I can't not. I need to surround myself with everything that's left of him or I can't breathe. I even carry his daylight ring around with me. Sheriff Forbes found it on his body, when they returned his things to Stefan. It's melted and deformed, but it was his. And I miss him. I miss him like I miss a part of myself.  
I know they're worried about me. Jeremy and Ric and Caroline. Even Stefan, lost in his own grief, found the time to worry about me. I don't know what to do, how to make them stop asking me if I'm okay. Because I'm not. How could I be? I can't put on a smile and pretend. I can't act like everything is fine, because no matter what, I can't go half a day without a breakdown. All it takes is one word, one accidental brush against something that reminds me of Damon, and suddenly I can't breathe, or stand, or do anything but sob. The truth is I feel hollowed out and empty. Like someone tore a hole in my life and that void is going to consume me.  
Maybe it will get easier. Maybe one day I will be okay. I won't be happy, I know I can never be happy. But maybe I can be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,  
I was wrong. I will never be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,  
I slept in his bed again last night. I had a dream that he was there with me. There was nothing but him and me, and we just lay there together, and he held me, for a long time. I felt safe. Like nothing could touch us. Then I woke up.  
The room was cold and empty. I realized that it would never feel like home again. Just a place that isn't as painful as the rest of the world. I cried so hard I think I woke up Stefan and Caroline. I must have, because next thing I knew she was there. Caroline hugged me and tried to soothe me. She held me the whole night. It felt better than being alone, but I would have traded it all for another few moments in my dream. She isn't you, Damon.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,  
My humanity is still on. Sometimes I'd like to turn it off, but then I think of all the people you left behind and I can't.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,  
I lied. I'm not keeping it on for them. I'm doing it for him. You fought so hard to get me to turn it back on. He saved me. I can't destroy that. So weirdly enough, I think of him. The only time he ever turned it off was to save his life. No matter how bad things got later on, once it was on, you kept it on. And I know some times he would have loved to turn it off. There's a kind of strength in that. I wonder if I'm that strong. I hope so. I really do. I can't stand the idea of not caring about you.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,  
I went to the Grill today, and honestly, I don't think I can do it again. They've managed to clean it out, and they're almost done fixing it all up, but every time I go in I see the scorched husk that it was. I see the wrecked Camaro in the middle of it all, and my deformed body strapped into the front seat. I see our hands melted together. And I see his body. I know I never actually saw it, but I can picture it somehow, hair burned away, skin bubbling and falling off. I see the place where we died. I can't go back there.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,   
Stefan misses you. Ric misses you. Jeremy misses you and Bonnie. Caroline misses Bonnie mostly, but she found out what you did for her mom and she wishes you were still here. Matt misses you. Our relationship issues were basically paying his rent. I miss you. Do you have any idea how loved you are? If you did, would you still have left?  
Are you and Bonnie getting along? Are you still out there somewhere, having found some way to exist? If you are, please come back. Please. I miss you.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Damon,

I don't know when I started writing to you. It wasn't right after you died, I know that. It definitely wasn't this entry. But at some point I stopped telling things to my Diary and I started saying them to you. And I have a few things to say.  
I hate you. I really do. You destroyed me. I'm only 19 and I have an eternity of life ahead of me. All the time in the world and I can't enjoy it. I can't enjoy food or clothes or friends or life because all I can think about is you. The pleasures of the world are ashes and dust without you. Rotting in the ground or lost in some great beyond, you are ruining the world for me. You're ruining my life.  
A few days ago I decided to move on. To stop wallowing in my pain and start trying to be okay. So I went out with Caroline and Matt and Tyler and Jeremy. I thought I could make it work. Just keep pretending until it's not so hard. It didn't work. The whole outing started out nicely enough. I even laughed a few times. But then Jeremy knocked over his drink. Matt rolled his eyes and called him and idiot, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. All I could think was that you used to call Jer an idiot all the time, and that you promised you would take care of him, and you can't keep that promise anymore, just like all the other promises you can't keep, and how could you leave me Damon? How could you leave Jeremy with only a hollow shell of a sister to take care of him, a girl who falls to her knees shrieking and sobbing because he knocked over a drink?  
I can't move on. I can't be okay. Because this whole beautiful world and all the joys life sends are nothing without you. It is all nothing without you.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Damon,

I hate you.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Damon,

I miss you.


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Damon,

I need you


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Damon,

I love you.


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Damon,

Why is this so hard? It's not like I haven't done this before. I've lost everyone I've loved at least once. So why can't I lose you? What did you do to me?


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Damon,

I'm back at Whitmore. Everyday I go to my classes and take my notes and do my work. I try not to think of all the places I would rather be. They all include you. But it's not healthy to live in a fantasy.  
I've become the most boring person on campus. I'm still a mediocre student. You always said that there were better things I could be doing with my time, but I wanted a taste of a normal life. I thought we had all the time in the world. Eternity and more.  
I don't go to the events or participate in clubs. I only really talk to Caroline. Remember that night you crashed my dinner party? That feels like forever ago, but it's really only been a couple of years. What did Caroline say that night? That I used to be interesting, but I was going through a "blah phase" because my parents died. Well, that's definitely me now. I used to be the girl who was friendly and flirty and fun. I had a gorgeous rich boyfriend and I would disappear for weeks at a time, but I stayed in the dorm for spring break. Now, I'm just "blah."  
Caroline is just the opposite. Ever since that night, she's been a blonde hurricane. She's thrown herself into every club and committee she can get her hands on. She's tutoring me so I don't fall behind. She's the top of all of her classes. And now that she's helped Stefan, she's determined to help me too.


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Damon, 

Would it really be that bad if I lived in a fantasy? What's the point of living the life I have? My 'normal' life is boring and empty, a routine to keep me occupied. Caroline convinced me to join a club. I'm honestly not sure what it is but it drags me forward. On and on. then there's my real life. My life with vampires and witches and boys with hunter instincts and magic rings and werewolf genes. And right now, that life is hell. It all inevitably brings me back to you. You should be here in all of this. You were the one who made all the plans and solved all the cryptic mysteries. All of it just reminds me that you're not here. So would it be so bad if I spent all my thoughts somewhere else?


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Damon,

Today Caroline said something about my history class, and I immediately knew what you would say in response. It was so quick, so loud in my head, that for a second I thought that you were there. I jumped and tried to look for you, but of course you weren't there. I cried myself to sleep for the first time in two months.


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Damon,

I started drinking your bourbon. It tastes like all the times we stole each other’s drinks, and it numbs some of the pain. But it feels different without you pouring.


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Diary,

 

      ~~ **sjdgkfsjkngvenvlkfsgnvlnlfd**~~ Spring Break starts soon. I can’t wait! It seems like Caroline has some ideas for where we could go. She thinks we should head to the beach. ~~Yeah, I know, stupid idea. Our daylight rings could wash away and then we’d be vampire flambe~~. I was thinking about suggesting a ski lodge. It would be cozy. ~~Remember that camping trip we took?~~ But Caroline will probably get what she wants. ~~At least It’s easier to plan with only the two of us.~~ Stefan’s going to come with us. He’s getting a lot better! Caroline is trying to get him to smile more often! When are they going to realize that they’re basically a couple? I can’t believe they haven’t noticed. Maybe they have, and they’re just hoping the rest of us haven’t. ~~They can be judgey and self-righteous together.~~ I wonder ** ~~kfhgjakn  vljnlrvni fdjgkfljkfworjfvh nwifjkdvncw ffgjklefghlvknri~~**

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Diary,

 

I aced my midterms! Oh, and Caroline and I finally settled on heading to this resort for Spring Break. We’re driving down there together for the first part of the trip. It will be totally fun! And guess what? Stefan and Caroline are officially dating. They’re super cute together. ~~I really think that she’s helped him through this~~ I’m glad that they have each other.

I dyed my hair again. Blonde streaks this time. No, I’m not trying to be Caroline, although we can all probably learn from her indomitable spirit. It’s just a dumb, fun teenage thing to do. ~~It reminds me of New York City, but I couldn’t bear to dye it red.~~ I feel like it’s all getting a little easier.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Diary,

 

     Spring Break was super fun! There was a huge pool at the resort we went to, but I didn’t really go swimming. I did go out though. I danced and drank and partied. It was all very normal. We’re going back to classes soon. I've decided that I’m going to try harder this semester. I got all the classes I wanted, without any compulsion. Caroline even got into Microbio!

     And one last thing. Over break, I wrote this short story. I haven’t shared it with anyone yet. Actually, I might not show it to anyone. But it felt good to write again. Different from how it used to, but good.

     Maybe I’ll show it to April. She used to love them.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Diary,

 

Jeremy is struggling with school. Again. He keeps getting into fights and slacking off. He won’t socialize with the other kids. He's missing a lot of homework. ~~I keep expecting you to tell me you’ll take care of it.~~ Ric is trying to help him focus. It’s hard though. He can’t return to his teaching job because the school thinks hes dead. Maybe we should send Jeremy away again. He can’t be compelled anymore though. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I'm failing as his sister.

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

I did something bad. I don’t know why I did it, and I’m not sure how I feel. I played your game last night. I just couldn’t go one more day the way I was. I felt like I was suffocating, like everything about me was shriveling up and dying. I hated it. I just had to get out. I needed to break the routine.

I didn’t kill her. I don’t know, maybe you would have. Or maybe, right at the end, you wouldn’t have. You were holding it together. I should be able to do the same. I thought I was just going for a walk, and next thing I knew, I was lying on the road while the headlights came towards me.

It tasted so good. It felt right. Why is it that something horrible that I hated for so long was the first thing in months to give me peace? It was the first moment where I really felt okay, like the world wasn’t collapsing in on me. Am I losing myself? Did you take the best part of me with you when you left?

I felt okay. At peace. Like I didn’t want to claw my eyes out and scream and cry. Did it make you feel that way? Is that why you always spiraled? Because if that’s how you felt, I think I understand.

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

Dear Damon,

Every time I try to write, I feel like you’re there, reading over my shoulder. And I know what you’re going to say. So I’m going to try something. Ready?

_This is one of the dumbest ideas you’ve ever had._

I need you in my life, Damon. If this is the only way to get that, then fine. This is what I’ll do.

_Newsflash Elena: I’m dead. I’m not going to be in your life. Ever. Get over it._

Do you think it’s that easy? I love you Damon! You made me happy, and now you’re gone.

_Find someone else to make you happy._

So you just want me to move on? Is that what I’m supposed to do?

_Ding Ding Ding! Yes! You’re definitely NOT supposed to have creepy conversations with your dead boyfriend in your diary._

Well, too bad. Think of it as my coping mechanism.

_Your coping mechanism sucks. Try binge drinking._

Really? That’s your solution?

_That shouldn’t be a surprise._

I did try that. Not only did it not work, but Caroline, Ric, and Stefan locked away all your alcohol and staged an intervention.

_Let me guess. Blondie’s idea?_

Yep. I mean, I’m touched by her concern, but sometimes I just wish she’d back off a little.

_You have such nosy friends._

They were your friends too, Damon. And they’re just trying to take care of me.

_Imagine what they’d do if they read this page._

_See? Speechless._

That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop.

_You’re impossibly stubborn._

You love me for it.


	24. Chapter 24

Dear Damon,

_Why are you still writing to me? What happened?_

Nothing happened. I love you. I still love you. I tried to move on and it didn’t work.

_You were doing so well._

No I wasn’t, Damon!

_You could have stuck with it. Just a little longer. It would have worked._

How? All my problems would have disappeared if I just ignored them?

_Yes! It can’t be that hard to get over me. I wasn’t that great._

Yes you were. You were the greatest person I’d ever met.

_Now we both know that’s not true._

You think that’s not true.

_Elena, please. This can’t be healthy._

Neither was our relationship, not entirely. But it made me happy.

_It’s hard to see you like this._

It’s hard not to see you.


	25. Chapter 25

Dear Damon,

 

I saw you today. You were sitting next to me in my class. You leaned over and whispered to me about my teacher. I laughed.

_I was there, Elena. I remember._

So it was you. I wasn’t sure.

_Of course it was me. Who else would it be?_

I don’t know, a figment of my diseased mind?

_That’s exactly what I am._

That’s comforting.

_Well, it’s not like it’s the first time you’ve hallucinated me._

Do we always have to talk like this? Can’t you just ask me about my day?

 _What do you want me to do, make plans with you? I’m a diary, Elena. Technically you should just automatically tell me about your day_.

Jeremy is failing. Ric is trying the best he can to help him.

_Just compel his teachers to give him better grades._

No, Damon! That’s the easy way out. He wouldn’t learn anything. Plus, he needs some sense of normalcy.

_His entire family is dead, every girlfriend he’s ever had has died on him, and his vampire sister is hallucinating her dead vampire lover. His life isn’t going to get anywhere near normal. At least let him use the perks._

We’re thinking of moving, getting him to a new school. Ric can’t go back to his teaching job, but maybe if we find a new town where they haven’t buried him, we could make something work.

_Good idea! Just make sure your new town doesn’t have a founder’s council. That could get nasty._

Maybe it would be for the best.

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

Dear Damon,

 

Why do I keep seeing you? It’s getting a lot more frequent. I’m kind of freaking out.

_Because you’re slowly going insane._

Haha. Very funny. I’m being serious.

_So am I, Elena. You should stop talking to me._

But then you’ll go away, Damon. I can’t let that happen.

_Why can’t you let go of me?_

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

Dear Damon,

 

It’s everywhere I go now. I don’t mind though. I saw you when I woke up this morning, and it was my best morning since you left. You were there when I talked to Jer, and when we started packing up our stuff. Not that that took very long. We don’t have a lot of it. Most of it burned. Like you.

They’re all so proud of me, it makes me sick. Ric said that he always thought I was one of the strongest people he knew. I tried not to laugh. Today Caroline hugged me and said she was so glad I was finally okay. It took everything I had to smile and thank her instead of shoving her away. A few days ago Stefan told me it was nice to see me doing so well. I think he still cries sometimes. I know he doesn’t think I do.

They don’t know that I wake up next to you. They don’t know that you’re in all my dreams. They don’t know that you walk with me through town, or that we talk when I’m alone. Actually, I haven’t cried in a long time. It’s easy to be strong when you’re with me.


	28. Chapter 28

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!


	29. Chapter 29

Dear Damon,

 

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

_ Elena, what did you do? _


	30. Chapter 30

Dear Damon,

 

You’re not coming back, are you? I know it’s kind of a ridiculous question. You’ve been dead for almost a year. Of course you’re not coming back. I should known that by now. But I guess part of me still believed that I would see you again. You looked me in the eyes and you promised that you would come back to me. I was clinging to that, holding onto it whenever things got too unbearable, because I didn’t think I could make it through if I never got to see you again. But you broke a lot of your promises, didn’t you? You promised that you would never leave me. You promised that you would take care of Jeremy. You promised that you would always save me. I counted on you for so much, and now it’s all been ripped away.

You could have made it out. I know you could have lived if you’d tried. But you stopped to save Sheriff Forbes. The worst thing is that I don’t know how I feel about that. I’ve known her my whole life. She was my mother’s best friend. She is my best friend’s mother. But sometimes I miss you, and it hurts so much I think I would trade anything, anyone, to have you here with me. It scares me. It’s so selfish. But we were always pretty selfish together, weren’t we?

I love you Damon. And I miss you. And you’re not coming back.

 

 


	31. Chapter 31

Dear Damon,

It's okay. I'm coming.


End file.
